no man is an island, and i'd like to agree whole-heartedly, unequivocally. i want to believe that we cannot exist alone, and that we genuinely need the love and support of those around us. but sometimes i really wonder.
i've been really worried about derrick, and i really don't want him to suffer any long-lasting trauma from the incident. i know that he's a strong person, i know he's so much more logical than me. thus it's ironic when i worry that he might be thinking too much, when he actually is not. so by worrying and thinking too much that he's thinking too much, i'm actually reminding him over and over of the incident, thus making him think of it. in fact, it is not him who is thinking so much over this incident, but me. i wish i could take over all the shock, fear and feeling of helplessness from him, so that he won't be scarred at all. i wish i could worry away all the unpleasant emotions he must have felt. i wish all this never happened at all, but that's just plain stupid. i wish derrick did not have to have been hurt at all. i wish qing huan didn't have to suffer a cut on his forehead, nor have seatbelt marks seared over his chest. i wish derrick's other colleague did not have to be hospitalised. but i know that all that's useless. all i can do now is to cherish derrick even more, because he could have been taken away from me so easily.
even friends. what are friends for? to listen to your problems, to hold your hand when shit happens, to share your laughter and your tears? sure. but what happens when sometimes they let you down? as a friend, i know i should forgive, because, hey, that's what friends do, right?
if you really know me well, you should know that i rarely get really angry with friends, unless it's for a very, very good reason. and i don't understand how any of my friends can be 'scared' to tell me anything. because if we're friends, we are on equal footing. what was i going to do? yell and bite your head off? hmm. all i need is an early confirmation, not an apology-ridden message ending with you pissed off. because by doing that, you hurt me so much more than anything else. it transcended mere disappointment. the fact that you can let me down, and not even do it out of your own accord but waited for me to contact you first, showed your irresponsibility. and, dare i say, your lack of regard for my feelings. and your flagrant disrespect for my time.
more hurt than anything now. i don't know if i'm overreacting, but the more i think of it, the more upset i get. and you know of my amazing capacity to think incessantly of completely useless stuff. only, in this case, i hardly think it useless. sigh. sad.
sho tired. i need to lie down.
