came home and saw m*r b ean on tv; it brought me back to my younger days. those were definitely not simpler times, but reasonably happier times.
that's a lie.
when was the last time i felt truly happy? pure joy radiating from the very core of my being? perhaps that version of me died a long time ago, even before i could stuff it into some unknown recess of my brain. for as long as i can remember, days have been punctuated by incessant darkness and the worry of the unknown; a depleting fear of something immaterial and intangible which i gasp to verbalise. perhaps that me never existed in the first place.
i read recently that, even while we do experience bursts of happiness and contentment when good things happen, we quickly move back to our baseline of our personal happiness. like how winning the lottery might provide temporary euphoria, but once this heady feeling wears off, life becomes unbearably mundane once more.
so what has changed between the young me who has always been constantly wading through unhappiness, and the adult me who seem to be drowning in negativity almost verging on depression, which is threatening to swallow me whole?
i think when i was young, i still could push the 'bad' thoughts to the back of my head and focus on the scant positives i had in my life. since there were so few, that wasn't so hard. but as i grow older, it is getting increasingly difficult. i thought becoming an adult and getting my own place would make me happy. i thought choosing the right career in which i feel valued and in turn, rewarded, would make me happy. i thought ending up with a person who loves me more than anything mortal would make me happy.
what i didn't count on was that the darkness had hardened over the years into an unimaginably formidable vortex of unhappiness that is gnawing away at my sanity each day.
on the surface, perhaps i look like i possess so much, that my life should be happier than it is. but the biggest problem is that my black moods come from within; how do you purge what sustains you?
