so THE first day came and went. totally mixed feelings.
haven't really met the little people (literally- the s ec 1s are TINY!) under my charge so i can't really say, but alot of the staff took the trouble to 'reassure' me that they're not malicious. i kid you not.
like they were expecting me to get a culture shock. which i think i did. my c s2 h od asking if i know grammar rules. my c s1 h od rambling on and on in accented english (the cutest accent, mind you) about the programs; enthusiastic, yes, informative... umm perhaps i best find out for myself =)
not used to being awake before the sun, i dozed off unknowingly at my little big table right smack in the middle of the resources (a.k.a. noisy photocopying) room. for just 15 minutes, but the sheer lack of blinding activity depressed me. nobody to talk to (i'm the only trainee there), nobody to eat with (not because the people are unfriendly- in fact, they were so nice that i got a shock, no sarcasm there). got a super vip, one-on-one pseudo induction course with the veepee who spent the whole morning with me; somehow i felt like i was imposing on everyone, who were all so smiley and nice.
feeling lost and mysteriously depressed, i'm not really sure why.
actually, i DO know why.
and i'm not very sure if i'm comfortable with this. honestly. i need the security in knowing that the lessons i teach directly benefit students in exams. i need to reassure myself that what i'm imparting is relevant, useful, quantifiable.
what i really want, or THINK what i want, is so near yet so far- and yet i suspect, with some effort, nothing is unachievable. that's what i've always believed, and nothing so far has happened to make me believe otherwise.
until now.
not sure how to proceed, don't know what to think, don't like what i feel.
oh well 47 more days.
