having the worst week ever in recent memory.
IM bombed on monday; fuckers even stole my stickers and marker. it really didn't help that even their teacher (CONTRACT teacher, ok! omg what mortification.) was chipping in here and there with useless comments. hey c'mon. i'm not even your friend. seriously. when i see the class next, i'm really just planning to give it to them straight, the little bastards. zero expectations equals zero disappointments, but i think it wasn't really a matter of me placing too much hope on the class- i think i took it for granted that the kids will be a) well-behaved, and b) interested in the lesson we planned. so many mean thoughts coursed through my head furiously while i struggled impotently with the unruly class, but at the end of the day this is what i'm getting paid to do, right? no wonder so many leave the service after their bond is over.
yeah, then what am i doing here? what's the point of having so much useless general knowledge? what does this job offer me? social status? rubbish. exorbitant salary? bullshit. rewarding challenges? oh please. why waste 16 years of education? to encourage the next batch of unsuspecting students to trod down the same path? what a happy cycle.
even while i'm writing this, a thought hit me; i'm not so angry with the class per se- who managed to live up to, nay, SURPASS, the notoriety their class profile seemed to predict. i'm more disgusted with my inability to control a bunch of kids almost half my age; in fact, only 20 of them! the fault probably lies with me, and not the class. how foolish was i to over-estimate my abilities. what insolent hubris. so, to be fair, it's just me. nothing else. besides the three devils disguised as students.
i remember Ms Shaafa saying that we should start our mondays well, cuz our mondays set the tone for the rest of our week. i used to scoff at this, but i think now i know what she was trying to tell us. all the little wisdom our teachers tried to impart, we foolishly laughed it off; i think it's karma.
and it really doesn't make things better that the boy isn't here to mollycoddle me. perhaps i'm expecting more from friends, subconsciously, to make up for that; i know it's really unfair, and i'm trying to think about it as rationally as possible, but sometimes it's really hard. i'm still learning how to be an adult.
