i believe thant, because we all have different value systems and moral compasses, we can never truly judge and say hey, this is right, that is wrong.
my philosophy has always been that whatever you do is ok, as long as you can live with yourself, and if you don't get caught.
as long as you don't hurt anyone, it's ok, right? wrong. in the end, somebody will definitely be affected, and while this is unfair, it's inevitable; it's a matter of that person's tolerance to put up with the shite. and sometimes you have to wonder if the immediate gratification is worth the remorse that surely comes later, if it comes at all. i was talking to steph that day and she was telling me about a blog entry her friend made about temptation and the self-destructive itch. its mere existence guarantees its extinction- a scratch promises satisfaction, but you end up hurt. either that, or the itch goes away. i suppose the moral story we're all supposed to learn from this little story is that, if we're strong enough to resist temptation, nobody ends up with the shorter endof the stick. what bullshite, right? if human beings are essentially selfish, then there exists no reason why i should sacrifice my comfort for your pleasure.
surprisingly, it is the worry that i won't be able to live with myself, rather than the fact that i might be found out and be punished as a result, that has stopped me from doing more henious things - random acts of stupidity and chronic bitchiness do NOT count so go fuck yourself. i cringe to think that a day might come where i'm filled with self-loathing; it's pretty pointless to hate yourself, isn't it? just like the abovementioned itch, hating yourself will only result in sef-destructive behaviour. if it's all internal and self-directed, who are you going to go crying for help? everybody else is too busy trying to breathe and live their lives. so who is going to hug you at night when the monsters come creeping for you?
that's reality of life, isn't it? don't come telling me about god's grace and the kindness of strangers; fuck you, you understand. when you're going through a rough patch, go pray to your god but don't come rubbing it in my face. when you meet kind strangers, thank your god for it and remember it cuz it probably won't happen anytime soon. cuz if even people close to you can cut you into pieces, what gives strangers the impetus to make your life any easier? the sword comes in many forms- you just need to choose your cross, the nails are all ready for you.
i'm so angry but i cannot verbalise it anywhere, nor to anyone. i just need to get away from it all for a while, take a deep breath and get on with it. how do you save others when you're drowning yourself?
