wah sian. training in, like, 4 hours' time, and i cannot sleep. hair positively reeks of cigarette smoke. feel like chopping it all off.

in a superficial world so fixated with aesthetics, i wonder if it is really so terrible to be ugly. of course, if you are ugly but rather nice, then that's not so bad. NOT. who are you trying to kid? people are constantly judging and being judged on looks. whoever said that having beauty greatly improves your lot in life definitely hit the spot. but who gave the beautiful ones the right to be so mean?

are society's expectations unrealistic, or do we simply judge ourselves by a harsher standard? the goodlookers seem to have it all, and their lives are so different from us normals. being treated well where ever they go, like royalty in a court for the beautiful. they party to a different beat, and live and love in a slightly different dimension. all this thanks to genetics, or the surgeon's knife. a little tweak there, a nip and tuck here, and you're good to enter the elite club. then what is the value of your membership? you're just as good as your last enhancement.

what if you're ugly AND mean? wah jialat. but kailing said maybe they cannot help it- so embittered are they by the lousy treatment they get from society, whether imagined or real is secondary, that they cannot bring themselves to stoop even further down and be nice. but if you're ugly and mean.. you won't have much going for you, would you? but on the other hand, so what if you're ugly.. but nice? it doesn't change the fact that you're still ugly, and will probably remain so for the rest of your life. isn't that sad.

but who determines beauty? it's such a subjective topic, and yet one of the most sensitive. personally, i suppose if somebody called me fat, i'd still be able to handle it somewhat- good luck to the boyfriend, close friends and the mom tho. (Han Na: ["am i really fat? *whine*] x infinity) but the worst attack on a girl would surely be to call her ugly. i refuse to go on loop mode and repeat everything over and over again, because it's not a pleasant recollection. (yes kailing yiling serene you guys are safe haha) but if beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, then why is it such a sensitive topic? and why does it make so many women insecure?

imagine your friend with a totally hot body telling you that it's pointless because she supposedly doesn't have the face. imagine another non-fat but tall friend insisting that her hips are huge, and that she's fat. imagine me, waking up on some mornings feeling ugly. and i know that i'm not alone in this? i remember telling daphne about my ugly days, and she was, like, waat. but even her, in all her sharp pernakan-nose and petite glory, can complain that her face is too round. if you're seriously ugly, then there's nothing i can say, because seriously, i'm a horrible liar. you can ask anyone. i totally suck at lying. but when my friends who are not ugly claim that they are.. oh boy.

but then again, which girl in the right mind will go around proclaiming her prettiness, and really mean it? is it asian humility that makes us think so lowly about ourselves? perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

what inspired such a rambling post about beauty that i do not possess? it wasn't the totally sweet comment from a non-pretty girl which had me obssessing about it for a few days. no crescendra, it's not a competition and i don't 'win' even if i'm the one with derrick. you totally didn't understand. anyway. what got me thinking about all this was the group of girls clad in tshirts (seriously tshirts, those OP type), baggy jeans and SLIPPERS/SNEAKERS at zouk. when derrick told me to wear a tshirt to go clubbing, i told him omg who goes clubbing like that. hmmm. maybe he paid those girls to appear infront of me, just to prove his point. hahaha they didn't look gorgeous, they didn't look horrifying- they just got me wondering why we girls feel the need to get all dressed up to go clubbing. for whose gratification?

anyway. i think al cursed my night- say i bo jio, i bet he muttered a few hexes.. how can Mos AND zouk be so empty at 11??? for the first time i saw zouk's dancefloor at 11+ on wed. and phuture so UNcrowded. but come 12, it was like cinderella decided not to go home- it was packed suddenly! ok. so next wednesday, MoS, LATE. you wanna come? :)