my favourite uncle passed away on the even of CNY, and we couldn't even go back to attend his wake nor his funeral, which was held today, because we couldn't get tickets. even if we did manage to somehow get ourselves there, it would have meant that we'd have to be stuck in korea for an indefinite period of time, until we can get seats back. he's my aunt's husband on my father's side. but of course. i honestly can't give a flying fuck about my mom's side- i guess the more money there is in the family, the more political family ties become. but oh well.
because i left korea when i was really young, i'm ashamed to say that i don't even remember much about him. but what i remember are only good things. he was a kind, gentle man who never had a harsh word for anyone; he was especially nice to my brother and me, since we seem to be charity cases amongst our relatives. 'oh the poor things, growing up without a proper korean mother'. what bullshit. but his kindness was never a facade for something more malicious, nor did he have any ulterior motives.
i remeber the last time i saw him was in mid-1990's. he came over to singapore for a few weeks in early 1996 for a short vacation, and it was him who bought me my very first pair of rollerblades, the very thing that my father refused to get for me, because i'm a girl. i remember being too shy to thank him properly, but i do pray that he understands just exactly how grateful i was. and when we went over to korea in 1996, it was him who bothered to take a day off his busy schedule and bring me and my brother to Dreamland, our favourite amusement park when we were young. i remember sheepishly taking photographs with him, walking around the almost-deserted park, and simply having fun. if only i knew that would be the last time i'd see him alive, i would have cherished it even more. but i suppose you never know with this kind of things.
when my father told me that my uncle had cancer of the pancrea, i didn't know how to react. i could not pretend to feel overwhelming grief, but i could not simply shrug it off either. but i do remember thinking distinctly why, if god existed, he chose to let my uncle go in such a painful way. fuck you, whoever you are up there.
and now he's gone. i've been feeling pretty lonely and down since i heard the news, and the more i think of it, the worse i feel. i know being cooped up in my room is just going to make me feel even worse, but i was hoping that at least my boyfriend would have understood that i needed him to be there for me. but i guess sometimes we really cannot hope for too much. live and let live, huh. how ironic.
and even my brother is going to be away in thailand for a month. bastard. haha in many ways i'm thankful that my brother has come back to my life. he's been through all sorts of shit with me, and although he's caused me plenty of grief, i know when everything is lost i can still depend on him, and he on me.
and my uncle's passing has made me realise the fragility of life; while my own father is still around, i jolly well better cherish him. although he's not exactly father of the year when it comes to me, i guess he's fulfilled his role as a provider, and he's tried his best under the circumstances. and i definitely don't want to regret anything when it's too late. so. when your mother nags at you, don't complain, cuz you at least have one that cares enough to do so. when you think your father is being unreasonable with you, just remember that he won't be around forever.
